Creative Submission: Julian Glander Reminds Us Why We Should Be Suspicious of Raccoons

“There’s not going to be anything to find,” said Badger, plucking off Dave’s fingernails.

Trent threw Dave’s intestines around his neck and ran in circles until he fell down.

“Wait,” Dave said. “You can’t eat me. I have tuberculosis.”

“What’s that?”

“Where is it?” Snake asked from inside Dave’s backpack.

“It’s a disease,” he said. “It’s poison. If you drink any more of my blood you’ll die.”

“Why aren’t we dead already?” asked Badger. “He’s lying.”

“We know he’s lying.”

“Don’t pretend you’re smarter than us because you knew he was lying.”

“We all knew. We’re not stupid.”

“I didn’t know,” said Snake. “But that doesn’t mean I’m stupid.”

“Yes it does,” the other animals said in unison, laughing. They went back to their business.

“Can I have the heart?” asked Porcupine.

“You had it last time,” said Buck, biting into Dave’s left kneecap. “I do all the work. I want it.”

Judy stroked Dave’s hair.

“Judy,” he moaned, “why are you doing this?”

“Because we’re animals,” she said.

“It’s my body, Judy. You brought your friends here to tear it up. They’re not even eating it. Jesus Christ, Judy.”

“I wouldn’t call them my friends. I just met Trent.”

“Judy, am I dead?” he asked.

“I don’t think so,” she said, pressing her ear to his heart. “You don’t feel dead.”

He swung his head, knocking it against hers. She stepped back.

“I don’t know why you’re so upset. You can’t even feel it.”

He spit in her face. The fox walked up to her and licked it off.

“Bear,” Judy called out. The bear looked up and lumbered toward them. “Bear, he can spit. Make him stop.”

Bear swiped off the lower half of Dave’s face.

“Can you feel it?” Judy asked him.

Dave bashed the back of his skull against the ground, but it would not break.

“Your eyes are all white,” she said. “They’re beautiful. Can I have them?”

He joggled his head back and forth.

“Just say something if you still want them,” she said, licking her lips. “Just make a noise. Yell.”  Dave was crying. Where his face used to be, a puddle of blood bubbled as he forced air through it.

Bear began to dig a hole. Trent carried away what was left of Dave’s right leg. Eventually, Dave was gone. The animals went to sleep, except for Judy, who stayed up waiting for the next one.

About Gabe Stein

Gabe Stein (CAS '11), was the founding CTO and Associate Publisher of the Quad.

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7 Comments on “Creative Submission: Julian Glander Reminds Us Why We Should Be Suspicious of Raccoons”

  1. Honestly, terrifying at a whole new level. Disgusting, vile and ultimately disturbing. Best read in a while; there ought to be more writers like you.

  2. Stumbling upon this during my lunch break was possibly the most awesome yet, disgusting thing to ever happen to me. This really reminded me of all those Goosebumps books that I too read when we were kids. I want more! lol

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