This was my last first week of school ever. And honestly, it was a lot like my first first week of school ever. My mom dropped me off, I took a lot of naps, and I urinated on a rug in front of my friends. I’ve also probably been crying the same amount. But enough about how sexy I am–after all, it was your first week of college too! There’s nothing more exciting than going over a syllabus for an hour and a half.
WHO LOVES SHORT-SHORTS? APPARENTLY FRESHMEN
Really? If only they had pride in themselves. I was standing on the line to scan my finger for BUPD, I mean the dining hall, and the freshman in front of me was wearing shorts that revealed two cheeks that weren’t on her face. The streets of Allston look like a Versace runway went to an AA meeting. Kudos on the high school GPAs, though.
FYI OR TMI?
Hm…Move-in songs for my last year of college. I remember the iPod on the sketchy Chinatown bus ride to Boston well…
1. “On My Own” – Les Misérables
2. “The Funeral” – Band of Horses
3. “No Life” – Slipknot
4. “The Saddest Night in the World” – The Walker Brothers
5. “I Think I’m Going To Kill Myself” – Elton John
6. “Big Ole Butt” – LL Cool J
SHOCKING STUDY FINDS YOUNG ATHLETIC MEN LIKE SPORTS, WOMEN
I’m glad we had an unnecessary team to keep an eye on an unnecessary team. From ABC News: “But the task force found that the team’s ‘elevated social status’ on campus led to ‘frequent sexual encounters with women absent an emotional relationship or ongoing commitment.'” This took until March to find out? Have these “investigators” forgotten their pasts? It was always the cool kids who had “frequent sexual encounters.” And no “ongoing commitment?” Is it a crime not to call a girl back now? Two hockey players are reading that and fist-bumping in a locker room right now.
COLLEGE WAS THE BEST
FOUR NINE YEARS OF MY LIFE
No. No, I haven’t. But I do have some advice for the Class of 2016. Firstly, don’t spend $300 on textbooks, mostly written by professors and their spouses, unless you start getting quizzed on them. Secondly, if a professor starts quizzing you on textbooks, switch into COM. Thirdly, never do any work. What’s the worst that can happen? You fail and have to do it next year! That means you can keep staying in college! And you know what’s better than college? More college. Did you see my song list? I don’t want to leave. That’s why I’m writing this column instead of that paper. And if I can’t pay for another semester, I’ll take Mitt Romney’s brilliant advice and just “ask my parents.”