It’s good to be back in the Bean. This week I traveled, for business and no pleasure, to New York City for two televised performances on mtvU, which I assume is the shorthand name for MTV’s college campus. I noticed some differences between NYC and Boston on my trip. For instance, the former is an actual city in America whereas the latter is a town with a couple of parks and drunk people. That leads to another key distinction–because Boston is a half-assed attempt at a real city, they stop you from drinking when the clock reaches your grandmother’s bedtime. If New York is the city that never sleeps, Boston is the city that needs to wake the hell up and turn off ESPN for once in their lives. Still, nothing’s funnier than when people try to compare Planet Earth’s cancerous tumor, known ironically as “Los Angeles,” to Manhattan. That’s like…comparing a cancerous tumor to Manhattan. Because one is a cancerous tumor and the other is a place humans live. The point is, it’s good to be back to make fun of some tweets.
BECAUSE EAST COAST COLLEGES NEED MORE LIBERALS
Assuming this was tweeted directly at me, I did hear and I don’t care. But I do love how it was followed with this:
Nothing says “we’re not desperate” like “please, please come!” And wow–College Dems of BU begging College Dems of BC? Now that’s the unity Barack Obama promised but failed to deliver!
BU POLICE: FUN IS BAD, MURDER IS MEH
Hey, remember how a bunch of our peers keep getting mugged, assaulted, and shot like Dick Cheney’s friends a few minutes away from campus? Wouldn’t that be a great place for cops to, I dunno, parole once in a while? Like late at night? Like, when there aren’t parties? Thanks for keeping us safe from red and blue plastic solo cups, you sexy crime-stoppahs.
PUBLIC RELATIONS = NO PUBLIC RELATIONSHIPS
No need to click the link. It’s pretty simple: spend your family’s life savings on tuition at BU, avoid making friends, join this club, and sell your soul whilst promoting your own economic and social demise. This PR club really needs some good PR.
BU GIRLS FINALLY DEFINE THE WORD “BIDDIES”
That unfortunate issue is called low self-esteem and it’s what makes you who you are. You don’t need a PhD from the College of Arts & Sciences to figure that out. You just need to realize how much you hate yourself. When Juliet wears a miniskirt at midnight and holds her high heels in the air, she’s not looking for her Romeo; she’s looking for an STI and an excuse to claim how all guys suck and how she’ll never find her Romeo. Also, Romeo doesn’t chill at T’s Pub. Despite his crippling karaoke addiction.
THE DAILY FREE CESS
Whodathunk someone named “Greene” would support the legalization of green. I’m sure Senator Weede and Governor Herbe totes agree. These college journalists high-tweeted through Hempfest so much I thought Wiz Khalifa became their editor-in-chief. After alienating the entire universe with its brilliantly satirical April Fool’s Edition, BU’s independent newspaper has decided to focus on Boston University’s largest demographic: stoners. Don’t believe me? Check out their latest breaking news scoop: