Can I kick it? Definitely not, no–but BU can, according to administrators at the school. Kicking off their first comprehensive campaign, our university is finally going to get the cash it so desperately needs. Not only can we finally relocate all the hobos in Allston to build Stuvi III, but now we can get two Fritos dispensers at each dining hall! Of course, the other and less important campaign—Barry vs. Willard 2012—is kicking off violently too. Governor Romney has assured citizens that he’s in touch with all Americans–even victims who feel entitled to food. He knows $250,000 a year is middle class, he’s not worried about poor people (thank God [and Joseph Smith] he’s relieved himself of that guilt) nor about half of the country he wants to run. If maybe BU had a Y in the middle, our state’s ex-governor would give our campaign some of the proceeds from his.
PRIVATE NONSECTARIAN UNIVERSITY GETS “JIGGY WIT IT”
I wish I spoke our Dean’s language because it’s honestly the coolest thing ever. Not only do I not “got next,” but I don’t know what “got next” even means! That’s awesome! This is clearly a reference to the Boston University students who occasionally freestyle outside the GSU. Here’s a “bar” or whatever you hungry, hungry hip-hoppers call it:
Terrier Gang or Die
So I’m standing in a circle outside the G-S-U
And I’m hustlin’ in college for that B.S. too
And er’body here is a white liberal Jew
So maybe this is a sh***y place to rap.
ANDY COHEN FINALLY GIVEN OPPORTUNITY TO SPEAK
Our favorite “2012 Miss USA Pageant”-cohosting alumnus named Andrew is back on campus to promote his new book about himself. Considering he is the Executive Producer of such diverse shows as “The Real Housewives of New Jersey,” “The Real Housewives of New York City,” “The Real Housewives of Atlanta,” “The Real Housewives of D.C.,” and “The Real Housewives of Orange County,” his keynote speech will obviously be on the topic of integrity.
AAAAAAND WE RAN OUT OF HOLIDAYS
Hope everybody had a merry Backpack Awareness Day! I heard from my friends that I spent my celebration (c’mon guys, it’s Backpack Awareness Day, we were all hammered, right??? Right???) thinking a lot about, uh, backpacks. I also engaged in some friendly debates on whether they should be called knapsacks or book bags. Good points on both sides; I was successfully rendered apathetic. Mazel Tov to whoever invented this thing though, because I never realized a holiday could be as depressing as Yom Kippur.
SOME O’ SOMALIAN CUISINE
This is the most terrifying job listing I have ever seen — and keep in mind I spend my days refreshing Craigslist.com. Does 100 Bay State Road turn into a Duck Boat on the Charles or something? I heard d-halls are starting to only serve Pirate’s Booty, Peter Pan peanut butter, peg-legged chicken, and barrels of rum…all of which is stolen from cargo ships. So, bon appetit and enjoy the scurvy.
CAM-PAIN IN MY NECK AND BUTT
This weekend’s about to get “totally cray-cray,” as my goddaughters Sasha and Malia would say. I’d love to join the celebration but I doubt I can afford to. Sorry, I can’t make it.
Oh word! But seriously, $1 billion? Are you sure this isn’t a typo and it’s actually for the BO campaign? Will Sarah Jessica Parker host a Warren Towers $40,000-A-Plate Night while Beyonce and Jay-Z do the same at West Campus? Don’t be cheapskates, students—an Obama fundraiser costs like way less than our tuition! Ugh thanks, Obama.
TERRIERS VS. JESUS H. CHRIST
Guys, these are so not cool for BU’s negative press lately! The last thing we should be seen as is some secular liberal East Coast college that’s full of cross-crushing and penalty box orgies. As much as I want to support my fellow athletes, as a student who fears both God and God’s followers, I’m afraid that I’m too afraid to endorse anyone “knocking off” a holy cross.