Next semester it’ll be an honor to graduate from Twin Peaks University.
A quick recap of life on campus:
Sunday, 3 a.m.: Two BU students are robbed at gunpoint near campus.
Tuesday, 5 p.m.: Three BU students leave class and get robbed at gunpoint.
Next Tuesday, 9 p.m.: BU grad student eats pizza and watches The Office before disappearing. His parents put out a $5,000 reward for any information.
Friday, 5 p.m.: BU grad is robbed at gunpoint one block away from the last one.
Later That Day: BU grad gets arrested at LAX for traveling back to Boston with a smoke grenade, hatchet, biohazard suit, billy clubs, and more things I’ve only seen in bad movies.
Saturday, 10 p.m.: About a block away from the robberies, two heroic Brookline Police officers break up a small BU birthday party of 21+ students and admit to me that nobody even called in a noise complaint. My 40 oz. of St. Ides remains half empty.
Monday, 8 a.m.: 62-year-old man’s dead body is found in the Charles River by the BU Boathouse.
Tuesday, 7 a.m.: BU grad student’s dead body is found in the river by the BU rowing team. Student’s ankles are chained to a cinderblock.
Later That Day: BU student is attacked at gunpoint on the BU bridge. BU parents put out a $10,000 reward for any information.
Thursday, 5 p.m.: One of the robbers turns himself into Brookline Police.
Every aspiring filmmaker at BU’s College of Communication should automatically be getting internships at CSI. And every aspiring preacher at BU’s School of Theology should be praying their f***ing butts off.
Is it bad that my main concern with these robberies is that there will be another one I haven’t covered by the time this column gets published?
NOW THAT WOULD JUST BE CRAZY!
Phew! Thank Moses Muhammad Christ that our campus is totally safe. Now who wants to go skinny dipping by the esplanade?
THIS ACCOUNT NO LONGER EXISTS
Click on @BURobber and guess what you’ll see? Nothing! Why? Well, after making Trayvon Martin the account’s profile picture, BU tweeters called the PC police instead of BUPD.
Oh that’s just great! Now how are we gonna catch the other criminals? We deleted their Twitter page entirely!
POOR TASTE, CONFRATERNITY OF CHRISTIAN DOCTRINE!
Ugh, I wish that’s what I’ve been seeing floating around campus.
Oh. Oops. Any other topics? Can people, like, start stupidly fighting about nothing?
TWEETWAR: @THATSSOBU VS. @THEBUBUS
Perfect! So here’s how it starts:
Here’s how it escalates:
Here’s how it gets real:
Here’s how road rage happens:
So nice to see how BU is uniting as one amidst all the horror over the last two weeks. By the way, shouldn’t someone be driving that shuttle? Is this e-feud why I’m still waiting in the rain?
Uh…duh? Now we won’t have to worry about sexiling because we’ll be boinking our roomies! So my vote is YEA, or, as they say at private nonsectarian universities in New England, “Word up!”