With Halloween approaching, millions of Americans are all getting pretty spooked out and scared, mostly thanks to the 50-50 chance our next president will be named Willard.
One thing we’ve learned this election season is that everybody–and I mean everybody, which is why I used the word everybody–just wants to go back to the 1990s. That’s right, it’s not just hipsters anymore. I’m talking Boomers, Gen X-ers, and people who are so old they think Nickelodeon is a five cent coin. If we so desperately want a Clinton White House again, why can’t some Lewinskys start interning for Barack? Surely, that national service is the secret to a surplus.
This year, I’ll be celebrating Halloween by picketing Halloween parties. This holiday is a celebration of paganism and the occult. It’s the “Festival of the Dead.” And, judging by some of the single shreds of fabric (I mean “costumes”) on today’s college females, it must also be the Festival of the Dead-Inside. Either way, candy corn is the Satan’s snack.
BU BEATS IVIES FOR EMPLOYABILITY
Yes, take that, BC! Brown! Berkeley! Chicago! Dartmouth! Duke! Georgetown! Northwestern! And USC/UCLA (they’re the same place, right?)! Boston U has the 17th most employable undergraduate students in the entire universe. Let’s see what stories BU is sharing of our stellar alums right now!
SOMEONE HIDE THE BONG
Get the Febreze! Do the laundry! It’s Parents Weekend so y’all need to hide yo kids, hide yo wife, and hide yo condoms ’cause they visitin’ everybody out here!
AAAAND THE ECONOMY’S COLLAPSED
Fun fact: peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are available at Warren Towers pretty often. And by that I mean every single day. I guess this past Wednesday, they had an employee physically make them for you in case you’re terrified of butter knives. And no judgment if you are.
SHS TWEETS TIPS ON GETTING DRUNK
Word up, let’s add kegs full of water at our parties because the line of girls peeing together isn’t long enough already. What does “partying BU” even look like?
‘Cause it ain’t a party ’til we got some trombones up in hurr. Wait, what’s that? BU’s Greek Week is throwing a party nearby? It must be a low-key cocktail dinner toasting brotherhood and gentlemanly scholarship.
I had a dream this happened once. I woke up watching Slumdog Millionaire on my iPhone at Super 88.
AW HELL NO
This is chartered Twittertory! Terrier fans are already welcoming WBB at BU! It’s called @WBBtv! How are fans supposed to watch my show if they think we’re broadcasting women’s basketball? Wait…that gives me a great idea for the season finale…