Ten (Somewhat) Foolproof Ways Not to Take Finals

Students during finals mutate into a breed of their own. They get less clean and more neanderthal, prone to odd grunts rather than speech.

photo courtesy of wikicommons by Shimer College Recondite, 1966, digitized by alumnus Ron Rothbart
Photo courtesy of user Visviva via Wikimedia Commons

Normal human beings sleep regularly, eat regularly and engage in a variety of activities—some social, some intellectual, some physical, and some reflective. Students during finals week develop the worst sort of tunnel-vision. Faced with a seemingly insurmountable amount of work their existence boils down to a single objective: overcome whatever papers and tests stand in the way of winter break—that vast stretch of unfettered time that floats loftily over finals, a tantalizing but unattainable dream.

Biology terms supersede sleep, words outside of the academic lexicon peter off, normal human interaction suffers, food becomes irrelevant or omnipresent (depending on whether or not you are a stress eater), and mutterings of “it’s fine, it’s fine,” echo throughout the library, sounding hollow to the ear. Will these people be fine? Based on their unappealing odor, it’s doubtful.

So below I present to you a list of 10 foolproof ways to get out of finals. Best of luck!

1. Tell your teacher a horrible case of carpal tunnel or early onset arthritis runs in your family and has afflicted you in the last few days. Tell him or her that since you can no longer write or type, you are unable to take your final.

2. Stage a revolt. Pick the class you like least or the professor you like least. Get all of the other students to help you out. Hold rallies, make picket signs, protest the idea of finals and make sure your whole class boycotts the exam. There is strength in numbers. What can a teacher do if you’re all absent on the day of the test? Fail you all? Well…hmmmm this one might not be foolproof

3. Instead of studying, buy a bunch of lotto tickets during finals week. Win the grand prize, drop out of college and live a blissful life free from financial burden.

4. Decide that finals can’t properly measure intelligence. Declare yourself a genius, find a backlit garage in the middle of nowhere and become a drug dealer—sorry, the first person to build a functional quantum powered computer. If you are successful, the payoff is immense. The US government will love you AND Ashton Kutcher, or some other ridiculously good looking celebrity, might get to play you in the subsequent movie.

You could be the next Steve Jobs| Photo courtesy of matt buchanan via wikicommons
You could be the next Steve Jobs| Photo courtesy of matt buchanan via Wikimedia Commons

5.Stay up for 48 hours studying ferociously before your exams. Then, accidentally sleep through them.

6. Pull out the family emergency card. Maybe you already used this excuse previously in the semester, but you have a lot of relatives…

7. Stay up for 72 hours. Suffer a mental breakdown and end up outside in the snow, hallucinating, as you pull a Walter White at the nearest gas station.

8. Clone yourself. Sit at home drinking pina coladas while your clone dutifully takes all of your exams.

9. Find a fairy godmother. Rather than asking for a blue ball gown and Prince Charming, ask for a clone. See number eight.

10. Say “f**k it” and head to Neverland! Peter Pan always seemed like a fun companion.

Corinne Keer

Corinne Keer (CAS '15) has a dual major in English and underwater basket weaving. Ideally, she will put her knowledge of heroic couplets to good use and, starting from the bottom, become a bonafide rap star. She may also settle for a casual day job as a petroleum engineer, computer programmer, or VC.

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