‘Transformers 3’ Review: The Transformer Drinking Game

Insert troll comment here about repressed male sexuality. Poster from Paramount Studios.

I can’t write a serious review on this movie. I cannot, for the life of me, sit down and dissect something that was assembled like a 15 year-old jock’s wet dream. That would be embarrassing for me and demeaning for 15-year-olds everywhere. So instead, I decided to write this review as a joke. Director Michael Bay is pulling a large-scale heist with the sincerity of a guy who clearly doesn’t care anymore. Bay doesn’t care if half of Chicago and D.C. are leveled for his amusement, that the actors all play dumb for his paycheck, or that his pervy lens focuses so hard on what’s-her-face-that’s-not-Megan-Fox, it feels like he wasn’t done fantasizing about her. Michael Bay left a dump on the front lawns of movie theaters around the world just in time for the Fourth of July. Can you handle 2.5 hours of the loudest, most meaningless waste of time, America?

If you’re forced to attend this awful bot bloodbath, have some fun with it. Here’s a little game I thought up while watching this atrocity.

Get a bag of popcorn, something to drink (your choice), and two kinds of candy. Preferably, one that is chocolate and the other of a tart or fruit kind. It makes it more exciting than the hour-long climatic battle, trust me. The amounts are up to you, as you probably know your tolerance better than I.

  • Whenever there’s a reference to a real historical event (this includes visiting Chernobyl, a creepy face-changing JFK.): one drink.
  • Anytime Shia screams for no plausible reason: a serving/handful of popcorn.
  • If you feel a surprise robot coming, before it does: eat a small piece of the chocolate candy. If you missed it before it popped out: twice the size of one piece.
  • Booty shot/boob shoot/rape fantasy/women are either toys or ballbusters sequences: 1/2 drink or you won’t make it to the two-hour mark without having to run to the rest room.
  • If the movie ever feels familiar (includes robots that look/act like Beetlejuice and action scenes stolen from other films): one handful of the tart/fruit candy. Bitter, isn’t it?
  • Slow-motion. Takes. Forever. : popcorn.
  • Yay racism moment! Includes, but not limited to, jokes about Asian men, Latin “hoochie mamas,” and black spiritualism: popcorn and chocolate candy. Mmm, diversity.
  • “Hey, don’t I know you…” Includes Frances McDormand, John Tuturro, Patrick Dempsey, Leonard Nimoy, Bill O’Reilly, John Malkovich, and Buzz Aldrin. Almost everyone you ever looked up to.: A handful of popcorn for each.
  • Shot is tilted for no reason: close eyes for 20 seconds. You’re not missing anything, and I’m saving you from nausea later on.
  • Loss of logic? Wait, how’d they know that?:one serving of popcorn.
  • A city or historical monument is destroyed: drink.
  • People are killed: popcorn.
  • People are vaporized a la World of the Worlds:popcorn AND tart/fruit candy—a combo!
  • “THIS IS AMERICA!!!” moment (includes D.C. iconography, strategic flag placement, and so on): chocolate candy.
  • Oh no, Chicago is getting demolished: take a bathroom break, it’ll be the last rest stop for an hour.
  • Nauseous?: Close eyes for 30 seconds. If that doesn’t work, close eyes for a minute and stop eating. You maybe a part of the 20% of the population that can get sick from 3D glasses. Or, this movie has that effect on moviegoers.
  • “You’ll be nothing but Sentinel’s bitch”: Finish whatever you have left, you’ve almost made it!

I finally found a movie that earned an ‘F’! No plot, no real acting, too loud, too offensive, too stupid, too many foreground and background changes, too many cameos, over inflated,  over done, over length, and I’m over it. If Bay had one shred of dignity in his exceptional exploitation, he’d leave it at a Trilogy and quit trying to export “Americana” in the form of aliens from outer-space in the shape of cars. Step away from the camera before it explodes. Oh, and Mr. Bay owes me a bottle of Motrin. F


About Monica Castillo

Monica Castillo (CAS '11) is a Film writer for the Quad. Drawn into the world of film studies accidentally, she's continued on writing, writing, and writing about film since. She also co-writes on another blog, http://beyondthebacklot.wordpress.com/, which is about even geekier film stuff. If you have the time, she would love to watch a movie with you.

View all posts by Monica Castillo →

4 Comments on “‘Transformers 3’ Review: The Transformer Drinking Game”

  1. Okay, while your critiques are fair, let’s be honest here. Compared to the predecessor, Transformers 3 was GOOD this time around. For real. It had a PLOT. It had some stellar quality (granted it came from the actors who never physically appeared onscreen but were present audibly.) And sure, Michael Bay has ruined the 80’s cartoon series. But let’s face it. THIS MOVIE WAS BETTER THAN THE SECOND!!!

  2. While Michael Bay certainly deserves much of the ire in this review, I do think it’s fair to place blame equally among Ehren Kruger, who wrote this travesty of a film, and the litany of producers responsible for paying for it. I also think we should applaud the stunt and special effects crew for successfully fulfilling the demanding whims of this destruction-fest, and for Alan Tudyk (one of my favorite actors) for being a comic relief character that portrays an effeminate European man vaguely positively (instead of portraying a minority negatively).

    @PinkGnomie13: Although I avoided the first two Transformers films and cannot speak as to whether you’re right or wrong in your comparison, I do think that saying that this borderline racist/sexist/jingoistic work of self-indulgence is somehow less incoherent or less painful than its predecessor is a very dim bright side, indeed.

  3. I love you. This is 100% accurate. It was such a disgusting , offensive obnoxious movie. 2 hours, 45 minutes, I couldn’t stop looking at my phone.

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