I can’t write a serious review on this movie. I cannot, for the life of me, sit down and dissect something that was assembled like a 15 year-old jock’s wet dream. That would be embarrassing for me and demeaning for 15-year-olds everywhere. So instead, I decided to write this review as a joke. Director Michael Bay is pulling a large-scale heist with the sincerity of a guy who clearly doesn’t care anymore. Bay doesn’t care if half of Chicago and D.C. are leveled for his amusement, that the actors all play dumb for his paycheck, or that his pervy lens focuses so hard on what’s-her-face-that’s-not-Megan-Fox, it feels like he wasn’t done fantasizing about her. Michael Bay left a dump on the front lawns of movie theaters around the world just in time for the Fourth of July. Can you handle 2.5 hours of the loudest, most meaningless waste of time, America?
If you’re forced to attend this awful bot bloodbath, have some fun with it. Here’s a little game I thought up while watching this atrocity.
Get a bag of popcorn, something to drink (your choice), and two kinds of candy. Preferably, one that is chocolate and the other of a tart or fruit kind. It makes it more exciting than the hour-long climatic battle, trust me. The amounts are up to you, as you probably know your tolerance better than I.
- Whenever there’s a reference to a real historical event (this includes visiting Chernobyl, a creepy face-changing JFK.): one drink.
- Anytime Shia screams for no plausible reason: a serving/handful of popcorn.
- If you feel a surprise robot coming, before it does: eat a small piece of the chocolate candy. If you missed it before it popped out: twice the size of one piece.
- Booty shot/boob shoot/rape fantasy/women are either toys or ballbusters sequences: 1/2 drink or you won’t make it to the two-hour mark without having to run to the rest room.
- If the movie ever feels familiar (includes robots that look/act like Beetlejuice and action scenes stolen from other films): one handful of the tart/fruit candy. Bitter, isn’t it?
- Slow-motion. Takes. Forever. : popcorn.
- Yay racism moment! Includes, but not limited to, jokes about Asian men, Latin “hoochie mamas,” and black spiritualism: popcorn and chocolate candy. Mmm, diversity.
- “Hey, don’t I know you…” Includes Frances McDormand, John Tuturro, Patrick Dempsey, Leonard Nimoy, Bill O’Reilly, John Malkovich, and Buzz Aldrin. Almost everyone you ever looked up to.: A handful of popcorn for each.
- Shot is tilted for no reason: close eyes for 20 seconds. You’re not missing anything, and I’m saving you from nausea later on.
- Loss of logic? Wait, how’d they know that?:one serving of popcorn.
- A city or historical monument is destroyed: drink.
- People are killed: popcorn.
- People are vaporized a la World of the Worlds:popcorn AND tart/fruit candy—a combo!
- “THIS IS AMERICA!!!” moment (includes D.C. iconography, strategic flag placement, and so on): chocolate candy.
- Oh no, Chicago is getting demolished: take a bathroom break, it’ll be the last rest stop for an hour.
- Nauseous?: Close eyes for 30 seconds. If that doesn’t work, close eyes for a minute and stop eating. You maybe a part of the 20% of the population that can get sick from 3D glasses. Or, this movie has that effect on moviegoers.
- “You’ll be nothing but Sentinel’s bitch”: Finish whatever you have left, you’ve almost made it!
I finally found a movie that earned an ‘F’! No plot, no real acting, too loud, too offensive, too stupid, too many foreground and background changes, too many cameos, over inflated, over done, over length, and I’m over it. If Bay had one shred of dignity in his exceptional exploitation, he’d leave it at a Trilogy and quit trying to export “Americana” in the form of aliens from outer-space in the shape of cars. Step away from the camera before it explodes. Oh, and Mr. Bay owes me a bottle of Motrin. F