Among the many things I will not be watching on TV this weekend (including a new episode of Paula’s Best Dishes on the Food Network and Serendipity on the CW) is the 2011 National Football League Pro Bowl. Why won’t I dedicate 3 hours this Sunday to a sport that I’ve spent 6-12 hours a week watching since the first weekend in September, you ask? Because it sucks. I know it. If you’re reading this, you probably know it. For goodness sake, the NFL knows it. Hence these “improvements” they have made to it, moving it out of Hawaii last year (it’s back this year) and making it the week before the Super Bowl instead of the week after.
The problem is that there are so many problems inherent to a football all-star game. Probably one of the biggest problems is that football is a pretty violent contact sport. By the end of the season, when the players’ bones are aching and everyone just wants to limp into the offseason to rest up, there seems to be, in my experience, less of an urge to make a big hit or go for a risky play. It’s not worth the “glory,” if there even is any.
Most major sports hold their all-star game mid-season, which helps compensate for the post-season (or postseason, ha) hangover. But I just can’t imagine that an NFL player, coach, or owner would be down with that plan. It just seems so… off, for the NFL at least, unless Roger Goodell decided that the 18-week season he’s proposing would include an all-star break. But even that doesn’t make sense when you consider the fact that any NFL team wants their best guys to be fresh throughout the season.
And these aren’t even all the problems! How about the fact that the players in the Super Bowl, who are undoubtedly some of the best in the game if they’ve made it that far, can’t play in the Pro Bowl? Or the fact that football depends on plays, routes, timing? Players must practically know everything that the other 10 guys they’re playing will do in a given situation. That isn’t something that can be rehearsed in a week of practice.
So is it impossible to fix the Pro Bowl? Yeah, it probably is. But at least make the Pro Bowl weekend a real event. The National Basketball Association has a dunk contest, a celebrity game, a three-point shooting contest, etc. Who cares if the actual all-star game is missing defense? You saw Dwight Howard posterize someone the night before! Major League Baseball has the homerun derby.
This is what I want to see, NFL:
First, a “Lineman Strongest Man”: Yeah, almost exactly like the ones you see on ESPN classic which pretty much highlight steroid-use in former Soviet Union countries. Because if Haloti Ngata can’t pull a bus, I don’t know who could.
Second, a “NFL flag-football tournament”: Maybe this just replaces the Pro Bowl itself. The catch: players have to go both ways. Tell me you’re not drafting Darrelle Revis.
Third, and finally, “The Owner’s Combine”: Hey, NFL owners should prove their mettle too! You think Jerry Jones could run a 40 in under 6 seconds? Who knows?! At least we’d finally be able to figure out if Al Davis is dead or not.
Now I don’t know if I could fix the Pro Bowl… but I could make it an event that’s at least watchable. And at this point, that’s something to be proud of.
